So, I want to buy things. In particular I want to buy one thing: a new lens for my camera.

I’ve had a Nikon D40 for a while and while it’s not the best thing ever it pretty much suits my needs and nonexistent budget for upgrades. But one thing I’ve disliked for years is my lack of lenses. I only have the standard zoom lens that came with the camera. While that’s not bad, I want lenses for more specific occasions.

The one thing I really want a lens for is food photography. I write a food blog to help with my weight loss efforts. It’s just something I find easier to do than the boring methods people normally recommend for food tracking. But when I do something I tend to get obsessed and that’s where I now find myself with food photography. I want to take better pictures of my food.

Most lenses are extremely expensive, which is why I haven’t bought any for myself in the last few years of owning a DSLR. But now I find myself wanting a lens so bad I’m ready to press click on the order button. I can’t afford most of the fancy lenses but a standard 50 mm f/1.8 D Nikon lens would be a great starting lens to play with my food photography and improve my skills.

It’s only $125 on Amazon. Anyone want to grant me an item on my wish list? Yes? Anyone out there in blog land have a used one they are willing to sell?

Of course wanting a new lens or two also leads me down the path of wanting more gear including flashes and lighting equipment.  I won’t be going that direction for a while, but I do want to get a new lens before I leave the US. I would prefer before I leave Oregon, but since that’s happening next Thursday it’s not likely. But I will be getting it, some how, some way.

Generally I read a lot of blogs each day. I read some health & fitness ones, quite a few food ones, and then there are the travel/live better/live independent ones.  After a while most of those get old. The only ones I continually enjoy are the food blogs, which amazingly surprise me with new recipes and ideas daily.

But yesterday after writing about my career befuddlement, I started wandering the blogosphere. Because what else does one do when you haven’t a clue what to be or do? Surf the web, of course!

I found an interesting post from a girl who gives a rundown of her work history, which similar to mine includes a variety of jobs with the only similarity being the consistency of always working/having a job or two.

I love working.  As much as I hate early mornings and late nights and having a boss that drives me nuts, the whole reason that not working is bugging me so much is that I feel purposeless without a job.  For so long, I’ve been a teacher or a babysitter or a cashier or even a fitting room attendant.  I don’t know what to make of it. And sure, unemployment will cover my expenses and I have love, support and great people who would never let me fall, but still, I feel like I’m flailing: I don’t know how to just be me, sans title.

I am hoping to answer this question a bit while I’m waiting to find a job.  Who am I when I’m not a teacher?  What am I proud of when I’m not attached to some profession?  How can I make myself better, and make the world better, outside of a job?

She summed up exactly how I feel lately. I know blogging is considered a job, but for me it feels like her unemployment situation: it covers my expenses but I somehow feel like I’m without a title and purpose.

But more than just resonating with that bit, I love Amy’s entire blog. She has a life list and writes about lots of lovely things. Apparently she is the Community Manager for 20-Something Bloggers community, something I belong to but have not been very active with, but realize now I should. There are so many wonderful bloggers out there. I continue to find new favorites and explore new little pockets of the blogosphere as a whole.

Amy’s blogroll sent me wandering even farther into those amazing parts of the internet where I developed even more blog crushes on people like Jamie Varon and Gwen Bell and Sarah Von (I love the karma cards she sells) and Doniree Walker and honestly the list goes on forever. Ah, so many fun blogs with a variety of content. Variety! They don’t have schedules! They post about what they love! I love it.

I love blogging. I love everything about it and considering I’ve been doing it in one form or another for many years now, it’s part of who I am naturally. But there are some things I dislike about blogging and my tasks this morning made me realize that.

One thing I dislike about blogging is trying to make money from it. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the money I make from blogging. It’s opened my eyes to a whole new world where I can create my own income and I can be in control of what I do with my life. But I hate trying to figure out how to make more money or how to change things up when something stops working. This morning I spent time trying to find a new advertising network for a couple of my blogs. I’ve been using Adsense and while that works well I’ve grown tired of the kinds of ads that show up on my sites. Unfortunately almost every good network I’ve looked at is not accepting new bloggers and I’ve been pushed into waiting list limbo.

Another thing I’ve spent my morning doing is trying to get my estimated quarterly taxes paid. I completely forgot about doing this until now, just a few days before it’s due. Unfortunately I’m still waiting on a few things to happen before I am able to make a payment so hopefully it won’t be late but that’s a real possibility. I wish I had learned about/remembered/set up a system long before now to take care of this! It’s amazing how many little things there are to remember and do when you are self-employed that no one tells you about. I need to find a mentor to guide me in navigating the system. Anyone self-employed and want to teach me the ropes?

Basically the things I disliked this morning were administrative tasks. Things not entirely essential to blogging, but important to the business side of blogging. Generally speaking these are the tasks that I enjoy the least and the ones I tend to spend the least amount of time on (which might be why I realized my taxes were due so late).  I’m not a huge fan of these tasks, or much related to the business side besides getting paid.

I may have just needed to rant slightly about those frustrations, but this morning’s lame administrative tasks weren’t all bad. I mean, I applied to be part of something that seems like a really great idea. I made money by selling direct advertising for one of my blogs. I sent off answers to interview questions for an upcoming interview about my awesome health blogging ebook.  All in all it’s been a very good day in the life of a blogger. It’s never going to be perfect days spent writing and doing nothing else – like any job their are less exciting tasks that come along with it. But that’s not enough to dissuade me from continuing down this path.

I’ve been pondering my blogging direction lately. As I’ve grown slightly tired of writing about the same things each day on a few of my blogs I just have lost the desire to blog about anything anywhere. I’ve been traveling across the country and having crazy amazing adventures and I haven’t even been sharing them. I could say I’ve been doing a lot more living than blogging and that’s a good thing, but to be honest it’s quite sad that I no longer have the same passion about blogging that I did just a few months ago.

I suppose passion for blogging comes and goes. It’s something that sometimes feels like the best thing in my life and sometimes feels like just another job. Right now? Right now it feels like just another job. Apparently launching my first product last month took a little bit away from me. It did well and paid for the things I needed it to pay for, but it took a lot of my drive and passion with it. I enjoyed writing and teaching people how to create a better health blog, but I don’t want to keep writing on that subject. Some days I don’t even want to write about anything on my healthy living blog.

I think this has all come about because I’ve lost sight of the destination. When I started blogging my goal was to make $1000 a month. It was to pay for my expenses. I hit those marks and now I’m a bit unsure of what to do with myself. Do I keep going and keep making more money? Do I keep creating products? Do I keep blogging even when I don’t love it as much? What is the end goal? The end goal for the longest time was to hit that particular benchmark for my blogging career. I didn’t create a plan for what comes after that because honestly I never knew that I would actually reach it. There is no end destination for my blogging, and without a purpose it all feels quite useless.

So now I need to look at what I’m trying to do with all of my blogs. What is the point of them?

Am I trying to make money by blogging? Yes. I do want to support myself fully by blogging. Hitting $1,000 in a month was nice and I know that even if it’s not fully consistent yet it will be soon enough. I know that even though I might not be a famous blogger, I can definitely end up being a professional one. And that’s good enough for me. So yes, I am trying to make money through blogging and should continue to do so.

Am I trying to inspire people? Yes. For most of my blogs I’m trying to reach people and inspire them through my own life. I’m not sure how I ever fell into this role of someone who inspires people, but somehow I did. Lately I haven’t felt very inspirational and I think that’s where some of this blogging block has come from. If I don’t feel like my life is worth blogging about, then why would I blog? For my health blog my stalled weight loss is the culprit. For this blog it’s the paralyzing fear of doing the wrong thing or not being good enough. Both of those blocks need to be dealt with so I can continue to work toward inspiring people to have the best life they possibly can.

Am I trying to be famous? Not really. A slight part of me wishes I was going to be a big famous blogger, but I know that’s not the case. I’m not dedicated enough, I don’t really like the spotlight, and I’m quite happy with earning money without the fame. So social media fame isn’t what I’m seeking and I need to let go of that particular goal. So a few people follow me on twitter and “like” my facebook fan page…so what?  These are nice things but fame is not something most bloggers will ever get. I’m quite done acting like being a blogger makes you a celebrity (it’s surprising how many people think this).

Am I trying to release and share my thoughts? Most definitely yes. The thing about blogging, at least for me, is that it’s a release. I love sharing my thoughts with the world and receiving feedback. It’s been a joy to create a platform where I can discuss issues within a community that shares similar interests (and some that don’t). I’m not the best blogger in the world – I don’t make linkbait or anything! – but I enjoy sharing my thoughts and experiences through blogging.

What does all this mean?

In Glen’s most recent post his first lesson in the 21 he has learned in his life was that there is no destination. Glen’s a smart kid (can I call him a kid if he is a few years younger than me?) and I really appreciated this lesson because it’s one I’m learning myself. There is no end destination for my blogging aspirations (or anything else in life).  Aspirations are useful in propelling you to reach a certain point and from that point you simply exist and try to stay there. With blogging I’m trying to reach the point where I consistently am able to support myself each month through my income earned via blogging. Once I reach that point, where am I going? Nowhere really. I reach it then I try to maintain it. There is no end destination in sight. The questions about where I’m going and what I’m trying to accomplish have been a blogging block lately, but now I realize and accept there is no destination. It’s a freeing concept and one which hopefully will push me to continue my blogging without the troubling questions that have been hindering it.

Today I found out my father reads my other blog. The one about my health. About my life. About everything I am that I don’t want him to know. I don’t talk to my father in real life, yet he is able to keep up with me because I have a public blog. In many ways this bothered me.

(And for all I know he could read this blog too. It’s pretty easy to track my blogs across the internet. It’s all too easy to learn way to much about me… which may or may not be the problem.)

But the thought of him reading my blog made me upset. Despite my blog’s public nature, it bothers me that he is able to read it. I get almost 40 thousand pageviews a month, yet having one person read my blog feels like an invasion of privacy. Because it’s someone I don’t want to be reading.

I briefly, very briefly, considered stopping my blog. But that wouldn’t be fair to the thousand other people that read my blog. It wouldn’t be fair to me. Stopping it isn’t an option. I know that my journey and the way that I share it has meaning and inspires other people. I’ve found a community online and I’m not going to easily let go.

However, I feel like I’m now censored. Of course I don’t have to censor my blogging, and if I’m honest I probably won’t. But I can’t help but feel the need to stop writing about my personal life. That fact inherently censors and changes my blogging style since I blog about my life. I don’t use bullet points to teach lessons, I don’t make lists, I don’t do link bait. I just blog naturally and authentically. It feels like that has been ruined somewhat because now I will have to think about what I’m sharing. I will have to consider whether or not it’s something I want this person to read. I hate that feeling already.

(Yes, I know most bloggers do things a little differently when trying to get readers aka the be-useful-technique. So what? We are all unique. Me a little bit more so. I’ll make my own path, thank you.)

I’m not sure there is any point to this post (see above – I’m not a useful blogger) other than to ponder the fact that I am now thinking through the issues of self censorship because of family reading the blog. This never felt like an issue before even though other friends and family are aware of my blog’s existence.

Do any of you censor what you say online because your family reads your blog?

So I promised a few people I would write about details of my first ebook launch. I wasn’t sure when to write about the launch, but I figure now is as good a time as any.

The Launch

It was actually a very low key launch and I didn’t do much promotion for it other than mentioning it on my blog a few times and sending copies to the people who gave me quotes for it. I didn’t set up an affiliate program, I didn’t send out a million review copies, I didn’t try to make the launch into something huge. I mentioned it on my blog and twitter several times, so my audience knew it was coming finally. I wrote a simple post and an even simpler sales page and just let things be. Since it was my first product and I had no idea what I was doing, I wanted to make sure I didn’t fall flat on my face trying to do a huge launch.

The Sales

In the first two days I sold 29 ebooks and continue to sell about one or two a day now.  At $27 a pop minus fees, you can figure out how much I earned from the initial launch. This however, is without much promotion at all.  I am now going to work on building more links and getting more reviews of the ebook. I would like a steady stream of traffic to the ebook page to get at least a few sales per month indefinitely.

My thoughts on the sales… I think it’s great! My blog isn’t huge. I compared how I did to other bloggers who launched ebooks and released their stats and for what I did I think it’s pretty awesome. I honestly had no idea what to expect regarding sales. My numbers fit the kind of launch I did and while they aren’t mind-blowing, they definitely have encouraged me in the fact that I can sell something of my own creation.

The Mistakes

I know if I had created an affiliate program from the beginning I would have made more sales. That may have translated into more money.  I’m not saying having no affiliate program was a mistake – I don’t think it was because I didn’t want to focus on that this first time. But others have mentioned it as a possible mistake.

My sales page probably isn’t the greatest. I can’t get into the whole internet marketer thing too much, so I went with something simple and my style. It probably could be improved upon and I most likely will change it around for improving future sales.

Not being ready for traffic overload was definitely a mistake. I honestly didn’t think it would be a problem since it was such a low key launch, but my site almost crashed and burned. Apparently all my friends in the niche were cool enough to retweet and link to the ebook’s sales page and the post about it, so I had a ton of traffic hit my site all at once. It ran really slow for a while but thankfully held up with the added traffic. It almost didn’t and I have no idea what I would have done if it hadn’t. I didn’t have a backup plan because it wasn’t something I even considered. I honestly didn’t think it would be like that, but it was my blog’s best traffic day ever.

Thoughts

I mentioned the sales earlier, but I did this project for a number or reasons.

One, of course is money. I need more money and I wanted to have a product I could sell. I didn’t have grand expectations for it but did want to create something that would continually sell each month. I will be happy if I just get a few sales each month to add to all my other income streams.

Second, authority!  In the niche I have my own well defined place, but I wanted to have some sort of authority. Writing an ebook that people appreciate and your peers respect is a nice way to gain that authority. I’m now known as someone who knows about blogging and who can teach others about it. I’m hoping that translates into other opportunities like speaking at niche blogging conferences (well, once I get over the fear of public speaking).

Third, I genuinely wanted to help people. The fact that I charged money for my advice doesn’t mean it wasn’t given out of a desire to help and teach. A lot of people want to have nice blogs but have no idea how to create or run them. I do and I know how to translate all the tech speak into easy to understand instructions. I wanted to help confused bloggers understand things like SEO to help them create better blogs. I accomplished that and I’m really happy with all the positive feedback from people who have learned something and have improved their blogs because of the ebook.

Those are the reasons why I took this project on. It really did start as something small and grow into something much bigger and unexpected. But since I’ve got my first product and first product launch behind me, I’m totally ready to start something new. I will be working to promote this product of course, but I also want to start doing other things.  I’m excited about the possibilities now and can’t wait to start working on the next new project.

Apparently I didn’t feel like blogging for a week. So I didn’t.

Sue me.

The problem with this blog is that I have no idea what I’m doing. All my other blogs have direction. They have purpose. I know why I’m writing, who I’m writing for, and what I should write.

Here… I’m not sure.  About any of it. I’m not sure who is reading, I’m not sure if anyone cares, I’m not sure why or what I should write. Apparently having a personal blog is a lot harder for me if there isn’t a topic to guide me.

I mean, what do you people want to know about?

Do you want to read about?  My moving to New Zealand? My knowledge of blogging (despite being a terrible blogger here I do know a lot about blogging)? My learning and working with affiliate marketing? My attempts to become a real writer through freelancing? My thoughts on Memphis and the world? I mean, I could write about some or all or none of these things. There are blogs out there that focus on these things and more that mention them in passing. Should I be writing about that?

I suppose I haven’t been writing because I don’t know what to say in this space. That’s a first for me. I’m rarely without words or the desire to express myself. I suppose this means that sometimes blogging is hard. It’s hard when you don’t have direction.

So if you would like to speak up and let me know what you want to read about, maybe I’ll start writing.  (Please do. Because I have no idea.) Until then… I’m off to enjoy the good weather in Memphis before it disappears and all I can do is sweat.

Lately I’ve been unplugging more often and trying to stay unplugged.

Weekends off.

Days without blogging.

Little blogging breaks.

Including trips to Nashville and mini reunions with friends.

It’s been nice.  I think the realization that so much of my life is shared online, and so much of my time is invested in this medium both personally and now professionally, led to the conclusion that I need more breaks.  Or to at least take breaks when I can.  In trying to grow what I’m doing I have the tendency to spend ridiculous amounts of time working on things web related.  I need time to step away from the online world and just live without it.  I need more balance like this.

This probably won’t last long as this next week will include the purchase of a new iphone, the completion of an ebook and the attendance a blogging conference.  Those few things signal the end of my self imposed distance from the world wide web.  They also signal big things to come in my world.

The next few weeks are going to be busy ones for me so I’m glad I took the time away while I could.   Now?  Full steam ahead.  Time to make things happen.

I forgot to do my monthly blog update that I started in January.  It’s probably of no interest to you, but I like seeing what I’ve done over the month.  So here we are in March looking back at what I wrote about in February.

Writing

My favorite posts this month included my BIG decisions: starting a business and moving to New Zealand.

On my healthy weight loss blog I wrote about emotional eating and compulsive eating.  Being very honest and open about things like that online are scary, but the response was amazing.  I’ve learned that blogging about personal matters invites a lot of criticism that can cut deeply, but it also allows people to connect with you on a whole different level.

Guest posting in February was non existent since I started working on some (super small) freelance projects and writing an ebook.

Awesomeness

Another couple of items from my life to do list were crossed off – falling in love and completing project 365.

A new project to help make Memphis better, or at least celebrate it – SHOOT MEMPHIS.

Other Stuff

I’ve been doing something I never thought I would be doing – wordpress setups.  Yep.  I’ve written instructions for people to start their own wordpress blog, but I’ve also been setting them up for people that don’t want to follow instructions.   Apparently in the last year or two I’ve picked up some skills thanks to blogging and I’m now using them.  I’m no expert, but I know some things.  It’s nice to know things, yes?

Sometimes I sit down to write in this blog and have no idea what to write.  I know that most successful blogs stick to a niche, but I can’t bring myself to do that again.  I’ve already done it once in health/wellness which is the whole point for this blog.  I want to write about what I want to write about. Basically I want to write about everything I love thinking about and doing: blogging, travel, lifestyle design, creating my own business…

Oh yes, the business thing.

It’s on my goal list but now I’m working on it.  For real this time.  I’m not trying to just make money, but I trying to build something.  I’m in the middle of creating a product that I will be launching and selling next month.  I have plans for more and partners to work on them with.  It’s simultaneously exhilarating and frightening because I’m in control of the whole process and therefore responsible for its success or failure.  I’m betting on this being a success, but in the back of my mind there is always a chance of failure.

The thing about it is – you can’t let fear of failure stop you from doing what you want.

I decided I want to work for myself. So I’m trying this new approach to doing it.  I have a ton to learn about creating and launching products and even more to learn about being self employed.  For the last several months I’ve built up an income of several hundred dollars a month through blogging.  I’m not getting rich and I’m not even making a full time income.  But I’ve realized that I can do this.  With some more time and some more hard work I can make myself a full time income on my own terms.

I love how I’ve started this while I’ve been in New Zealand.  Travel and a new business endeavor?  Yeah.  Life is ridiculous and complicated and hard and awesome.

So I’m off on this new endeavor and I want to blog about it.  I’m not sure how it will end up.  I’m sure though it will be a learning experience.  I would love to read more about these kinds of things from anyone who has done it before or about the best ways to go about starting a small business.  If you have any book or blog recommendations I should be reading then let me know in the comments.

And other than that… I don’t know what to write about. ;)